I'm not fishing for compliments . . .

So, I've been more or less makeup-less for 2 weeks now. At first, it was not fun. I was insecure. I felt naked. I felt ugly. Now I know my looks have not changed that much in 2 weeks, but when I look in the mirror, I do not see ugly anymore.

One of two things have happened. Either I never was ugly, and only felt that way by comparison of the made up me. Or I was ugly, but forgot how nice I look with makeup on. Either way, it shows how important your own thoughts are. I'm not saying I'll never wear makeup again. But it is nice to not have to put on any kind of mask, and still feel comfortable with myself.

So this isn't really a spiritual revelation, but it does symbolize feeling more comfortable with the real me in the non-physical sense. Who I really am. What I really think. Etc. It's been a great couple of weeks. Not much longer to go.

Happy St. Patty's/Tumorless Tuesday on a Thursday/Happy BADNAP Week

It's Saint Patrick's Day. I don't really know anything about St. Patrick, so I don't care so much about his day. But I'm wearing green anyways.

It is also Tumorless Tuesday (on a Thursday). Two years ago, I was on a field trip with my 4th graders at the Cowboy Museum. While perusing the gift shop, I checked the messages on my phone. My best friend Lisa had called twice. Actually it was her husband Justin calling from her phone. The first message was to let me know they went to the emergency room because Lisa was having some numbness and other weird symptoms, he said the doctor said it was probably just a bad migraine. Phew. The second message was to let me know they had found a shadow that was most likely a tumor in her brain. Commence world falling apart. Luckily a teacher friend nearby hurried me outside dodging students right and left so I could sob in peace. That same teacher friend called my principal to let her know that my husband was coming to pick me up to take me to the hospital. Steven showed up with Davie who was around 8 months old, and we rushed to the hospital. I walked in the room and crawled into the hospital bed by my friend. Neither of us really knew what to say, so we just laid there, holding hands. The next couple of weeks was just waiting in agony and wishing we could do something. Then on March 17th, the day before her and her husband's birthday, they successfully removed the tumor with no ill side effects. She couldn't drive for a long time after because she was on seizure medication, and she had to have checks every few months to make sure the tumor was still gone. But after a year, there was still no sign of it, and the doctor gave her the go ahead to try and have a baby. So around 9 months ago, they gave birth to a teeny tiny beauty named Layla. I would be awfully lonely without Lisa in this world. I am so thankful that she is healthy and has a healthy family. Happy Tumorless Tuesday!

The other news is, I got into the BADNAP program (I honestly don't know what that stands for, but it is the nursing program I applied for). Remember how I was stressed about not getting a notice for the letter. Well it was actually stuck to the inside of the mailbox where you can't see. Haha. Anyways, I am so happy I got in.

Is this a sign?!

Okay, so since August 2009 I have taken a "break" from teaching to help take care of my grandmother. It has been a blessing for me (and I very rarely use that word) to get to spend so much time with Mimi and to be able to have Davie around. During that time, I had started to pursue my Master's degree in School Counseling at UCO. I finished one semester of wonderfully interesting classes, when I started to worry about the future in that career. I had really been enjoying giving my grandmother direct care, and decided I would like to pursue a nursing career.

So in the summer of 2010 I started packing on the science prerequisites. Idle Kinsey is a scary thing. I am utterly utterly useless unless I have deadlines and busyness all around. This past semester I haven't taken any classes. I am just waiting to hear if I was accepted to the program at OCCC that will start in June.

My grandmother seems to be entering the last stages of her long life. Her blood pressure has been EXTREMELY high consistently for weeks now. We are preparing ourselves emotionally for this, and also financially. She has been my "career" for the past year and a half. And now that is coming to an end . . .

Now, I should tell you that I have often found myself talking fondly about my classroom days over the past year and a half. It's not something I want to give up completely, although I was glad for the much-needed break. Yet I was excited about a future nursing career. I know it's something I will be good at and something I will enjoy. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Snap to the present! I've heard that this year OCCC accepted all applicants with a 3.0 and up. I would be in that category. I've also heard that many of these accepted applicants got their certified acceptance letters on Saturday. However, 3 mail days later, no letter in my box. Hmmmm. If I am not accepted, it could only mean that one of my classes did not transfer . . . which is very improbable. If I am not accepted, I think I should take it as a sign that I should stop trying to chase a career outside of teaching. Geez!

Hopefully I will find out tomorrow what the deal is. Then I'll either prepare myself to start the program this summer, or I'll hit the pavement with some resumes heading for the schools!

Prayer

I haven't prayed in a long long time. I mean like a committed prayer. I've kind of handled my relationship with God - sadly - like I've handled my relationship with my husband lately. I coexist, putting forth not a lot of effort. I believe that we love each other . . . but that is the extent of my thoughts.

Steven and I recently realized the pattern that we had fallen into with each other. Busy separate lives, not really doing much life together. We have sense put more purpose into our thoughts and actions involving each other, and it has been so refreshing to wonder what he is up to, to miss him, to need him.

I have mentioned that I've been feeling more panicky lately. I H-A-T-E IT! It is sooo hard to live like this. I can't express how I hate that feeling, and worrying that I'll get that feeling, instead of just enjoying my activities.

Today I listened to reports on NPR over Japan and the tsunami on the way to Mimi's house. Then after I got there I turned on the news to see Oklahoma up in flames. I started to feel anxious (as any normal person would). I started to actually pray that something amazing would happen, and the fires would be held back from hurting anyone. Honestly, even now, I don't believe in the power of prayer as a decision-changer for God, or that increases His power. I don't know what I believe about it. What I do know is prayer changes the pray-er (eww, that seems like something a Baptist preacher would outline in a Powerpoint). Be it psychological, spiritual, or mystical - when you pray, something changes inside you. For me, it brings a sense of peace. Maybe because when there is a situation where you can do nothing, it makes you feel like you might be doing something.

My middle sister Kacey is an atheist. She is open to talking about it, and I love hearing her thoughts about the matter. She mentioned in a conversation awhile ago, that religion is built by cultures out of a need . . . like a coping mechanism. I don't think I disagree. I do believe in God. I just do. Somehow it's hard for me not to. But there are so many things that Christians seem so sure about, that I'm just not sure about.

I've decided though that God is a pretty good coping mechanism for me. In that way, He is a Savior to me. I think Kacey would ask me questions about the psychology of that. I would say if you suffered from some painful disease, and you took a pill (that could be a cure, or could be a placebo), and you felt amazingly better, wouldn't you just keep right on taking it? I don't know that I'd care why it was working. I would just be thankful for the pain going away.

This is by no means a clear and concise thought process. It's just a spilling out of quasi-revelations.

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I have never truly participated in Lent. In college it became a sort of trendy thing to do. So I'd give up ice cream (easy enough for me). Or I'd give up fast food (extremely hard, but benefits my pocket book). But this will be the first year that I'm trying to really experience Lenten season.

On Monday I attended a meeting extended to all OKC artists to experience the season of Lent and respond in their own art form. At first I was only interested in the art part of it, writing a song out of the experience. I've been in a somewhat "questioning" state for some time spiritually. I still am . . . but that doesn't mean I can't have a truly enlightening experience out of this.

I had the stirring thought that this year I needed to give up something that would not be easy and that would not otherwise benefit my life. I didn't want it to just be a little motivation to start living a healthier life, etc. At the meeting I had decided that I would give up make-up for Lent. But then I got home and washed off my war paint. Oy. The squeaky clean face had not seen the public eye since before puberty. That wouldn't do.

But it was the most vulnerable I could be. I am still trying to figure out ways to make this natural look work for me. Sunless tanner on my face. Shiny chapstick. I'm afraid I'm not one of those girls who looks basically the same with or without makeup. My eyes need a little definition for me to not look super sleepy. But this is the path I have chosen.

I may have to take a little break for a wedding . . . out of consideration for the formality of the event.

3 things . . . or more

1. The panic thing is like one step forward, two steps back . . . or two steps forward, one step back. I've been reading this book, and it's good. It's enlightening. It's logical. The negative is I seem to be thinking about the book and therefore my panicky tendencies more often, which lends to near panic attacks more often. The good news is even though I am feeling those beginnings more frequently, I seem to be getting through them more effectively. But man is it unnerving to have those feelings multiple times a day instead of once a month or so.

2. Some days I really miss . . . teaching? Or maybe I just miss talking about teaching, haha. I miss some of my co-workers from Newcastle. I miss working in a school. I might just miss working in general. Anyways, random thought.

3. My husband is a rock star. I am really so lucky to have a husband that people want to create jobs for him so he will work with them. He is SUCH a hard worker, and a good worker. I knew when he came home a few weeks ago and said frustratedly that his position was being switched to contract (not a good thing for us), I just knew I didn't really need to worry about it. And lo and behold, his company is taking care of one of their best employees. I'm glad that his work place appreciates his hard work and commitment, like I do.