Let's talk about my borderline agoraphobia . . .

Have I mentioned that I will probably be a crazy old lady that never leaves her house . . . in a few years?

It's a possibility, but it is one that I have not given myself over to completely. Because I think Steven would be kind of disappointed if I was a shut-in.

I get anxious about traveling. I get anxious about a few things, but they usually don't affect me much because I am safe in Oklahoma City, my comfort zone. I have become increasingly more against traveling long distances. For our 5 year anniversary, Steven and I went to Colorado with Davie. We had fun. We enjoyed each other. We enjoyed our surroundings. But I was on edge most of the time. I got especially tense when we would go out with other people. Even if these people were extremely good friends. It was just the thought that I was in a way, in their control, because we were a group. If I got sick and needed to go home, I would ruin everybody's time. I know, it seems crazy. It is. It's my thing.

After I came back from that trip, I saw my doctor and got on a low dose of an anti-anxiety medicine. It has helped a lot. I also have taught myself a breathing exercise that helps in those moments where I am on the verge of a panic attack. My doctor also gave me a prescription of a Xanax type pill, but I rarely use it unless I foresee some real anxiety coming at me. Isn't it weird that I see vacation as possibly anxiety-ridden?

Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband. He is so fun-loving and fancy-free (I'm not even quite sure what that means). He works hard, but he especially loves to play hard. He wants to be out, experiencing nature and the world outside of our little city. He is so social. He would love to be with a big group of people nearly all the time. I don't know anyone who doesn't love Steven. Sometimes I feel like his ole ball and chain. Like I want to keep him all to myself, shut up at home, with our cats.

After 5 years of marriage, I'm still not sure how to reconcile these differences. The best answer I have is compromise and medicate. He compromises, I medicate.

I can't imagine being in this type of relationship with anyone but Steven. He is so many things to me. But sometimes the most important thing he is to me, is my comforter. Just his presence makes me feel at ease in any situation. I know he will make things better, and not worse. I know he will protect me. I know he will do whatever I need.

So in celebration of my husband's 30 years of life, we will pack up our little family and drive to Las Vegas. If ALL ELSE FAILS, I will be where he is each evening, and we will enjoy being together. But hopefully I will be out enjoying the same things he is enjoying each day.

Why start now?

I'm not in the habit of finishing things . . . why start by finishing my Blog Exercises?! It would've been a half-hearted attempt anyway.

Davie and I both are trying to recover from Christmas and Finals and Clep Season. Davie is getting over her cold much quicker than I. Steven has somehow managed to not be phased, as far as immune systems go.

GREAT THINGS TO REMEMBER:

- So far in my quest for prerequisites, I have come out with all A's! WEEEEEEEEEE!

- I also CLEPed out of College Algebra and two semesters of Chemistry!! Double-WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

- This means that I can continue to pursue the PA program at OU. I have my interview January 13th.

- Davie and I have thoroughly enjoyed having Steven around so much. We had a fabulous Christmas, and loved getting to see all the family, especially Steven's brother Joe and his family, Lindy and Eli.

- My sister's little boy Max does NOT have leukemia! This was the fear for quite a few weeks.

GREAT THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO:

- My man is turning 30 in January. We are taking a long trip to Las Vegas with Davie and a few friends. Hopefully the rain will hold off out there so they can do some real climbing. If not, we have to spend some unbudgeted money on gambling and shows for entertainment.

- I also will hopefully be taking a class next semester, if they ever ADMIT ME!

- I'm excited about the coming year. Steven has really hit his stride with work, and it is sure to be a tad calmer than this year, at least in the Spring. It'll be nice just to know what is coming in June.

Day 27 - Why?

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

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Why am I doing this? Because the content and frequency of this blog has been going down for awhile now. Maybe it's because I spend most of my free time studying, or caring for dependents. I needed the extra structure and motivation of this 30 day (which has turned into much, much longer) exercise.

Day 26 - My Friends

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

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It's interesting how I have changed in my handling of friendships upon graduating college. My parents used to tease me in junior high and high school about my friendship rotations. I would have a couple of weeks where I was all about Friend A, and then a couple weeks all about Friend B. I think it was my way of managing my many, many friends that I cared about and wanted to spend time with. In college I met so many people that I adored. Too many to actually fit into my rotations. So I accepted that I may have to be happy enough just seeing them in class or the GC (student union for OBU), and trying to spend more quality time with just a choice few. That worked for me because I literally ran into those people ALL OF THE TIME.

When I left OBU, I was pretty positive that I would never make another friend. I didn't live in a 1-mile radius of a million fun people anymore. However, this is when I met my very best friend of all, Lisa Gerber Pybas. We were just talking today about how easy it is to be friends with each other. No agenda when we are together. We are just happy to be spending time together.

I told my Mom the other day that it seems like every woman has to pick a handful of friends, maybe even just one, that they can spend energy on once they are an adult, a wife, a mother.

I am so extremely lucky to have so many old friends who, when I actually do talk to them or get to see them, it seems like no time has passed at all. I am so lucky to have a few new friends that feel like we've known each other forever. And I am so lucky that I have blood-relatives and in-laws that feel like some of my best friends.

SHE LOVES ME!

Davie said she loved me today, without me saying I love you first, or urging her in any way . . . for the first time.

Therefore, on the chronological list of things she loves independent of urging, I am between "songs" and "piggies".

Day 25 - Bag Contents

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

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It all depends. Now that Davie is a toddler, I don't need to pack all of our belongings for every outing. Actually, I usually keep my phone and debit card in my back pocket, and my keys in my front pocket.

But I also am a student now, and I also go to the gym, and this can also mean needing snacks and diapers for my kiddo. So on occasion, I do carry way too many things in one, sometimes two bags.

But my preference is bagless.

Day 24 - Letter to Mom and Dad

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

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Oh brother, this is going to be a doozie. My mom asked me if I was purposely avoiding this post. I kind of was, just because I felt like I needed oodles of time to sit and get it just right. But I don't have oodles of time, so I'm just going to write from the heart. Two separate letters.

Dear Mom,

I think you are perfect. I really do, even your little quirks and flaws, are somehow perfect. You are fun to tease because you laugh at yourself, and therefore we tease . . . but really, NO ONE has a real negative thing to say about you. I've realized since moving out of the house, getting married, having a baby, and experiencing adult life, that you did an even more amazing job raising us than I thought. You were the constant in our family. It seemed as though every decision you made was made to keep our family together. From you, I witnessed how to control my emotions for the sake of the situation and how to see from the other person's point of view. Just as importantly, I learned from you that it is okay to speak up for myself. I know you think that this is a new development for you, but I know that it is not. It seems like you have been caring on a very direct-level for others your entire life. I am so happy that you are starting to carve out time for yourself, even though it's hard for you to let that responsibility go. You are my favorite type of person to spend time with: a great listener, easy laugher, laidback, fun-loving, and you don't pretend to know something if you don't know something. I love you so much Momma! I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Dear Dad,

You love me so immensely and uniquely. I feel like it is hard for other people to understand that relationship sometimes, and that makes me so sad for them. I don't remember a day that I saw you that you didn't tell me so sincerely how much you loved me and was proud of me. What motivation to make me want to keep making you proud! I honestly feel honored that I got to watch you change in such positive ways as I grew up. You worked so hard to be a better and better version of yourself, and it is inspiring to know that people can change. We named our daughter after you for this very characteristic. I can't wait to tell her why we named her after her Poppi. You taught me how to really treasure my child. I love you so much Dad. You are my favorite nurse.

To You Both,

You were both near perfect parents, and now you are trying to learn how to be near perfect partners for each other. I am so proud of the both of you. So proud to call you mine. I feel so lucky to have a Mom and Dad I can count on . . . and also two friends that I like to see and spend time with and laugh with. I don't use the term "blessed" very often, but I do really feel blessed that my new little family has gotten to spend more time with my old little family so much lately. I love you both!