3 things . . . or more

1. The panic thing is like one step forward, two steps back . . . or two steps forward, one step back. I've been reading this book, and it's good. It's enlightening. It's logical. The negative is I seem to be thinking about the book and therefore my panicky tendencies more often, which lends to near panic attacks more often. The good news is even though I am feeling those beginnings more frequently, I seem to be getting through them more effectively. But man is it unnerving to have those feelings multiple times a day instead of once a month or so.

2. Some days I really miss . . . teaching? Or maybe I just miss talking about teaching, haha. I miss some of my co-workers from Newcastle. I miss working in a school. I might just miss working in general. Anyways, random thought.

3. My husband is a rock star. I am really so lucky to have a husband that people want to create jobs for him so he will work with them. He is SUCH a hard worker, and a good worker. I knew when he came home a few weeks ago and said frustratedly that his position was being switched to contract (not a good thing for us), I just knew I didn't really need to worry about it. And lo and behold, his company is taking care of one of their best employees. I'm glad that his work place appreciates his hard work and commitment, like I do.

You Can't Tell Me You'd Turn That Down!

Imagine this . . .

You LOVE to read. To get wrapped up in another world, another life. Maybe it's in order to take a break from what is going on in your life . . . or maybe it is in order to help you sort through what is going on in your world. Anyhow, you love to read.

Now imagine this . . .

One day you are visited by a fairy godmother. She says she has been watching over you for some time, and she wants to give you a very personal gift. From behind her back she pulls a magical book. You ask what book it is. She says, "It is any book you like." You open it up and say "Gone With The Wind" . . . and soon the pages are filled with the life of Scarlet O'Hara. You say "The Hunger Games" . . . and soon you are reading about Katniss Everdeen in the arena. You say "Little Women" . . . and soon you are whisked into the budding relationships of four sisters and their Marmee.

Your fairy godmother says, "You may take this wherever you like. Whenever you need to find solace or enlightenment in the words that others have written, open this book."

You ask, "This is too good to be true. Surely there is some sacrifice I must make in order to have this gift."

She waves her wand, and the beautiful book turns into a flat, black panel. "It still works the same way, just without the beauty and sensation of a page. It's the same words, same story. Do you still want this gift?"

........ You can't tell me you'd turn that down!

It's funny to me that people can be so snobby about eReaders. I found out that J.K. Rowling has all but forbidden her books to ever be released on an eReader. Why? They are on audiobook and major motion pictures. An eReader shows the same words, the same story . . . it encourages people to READ. I love reading a paper book as much as the next guy. But I really love being able to toss my light little Kindle in my purse and whip it out in the doctor's office. I like that on roadtrips, Steven and I can have both of our books on one device and pass it back and forth between driving shifts. I like that since I pack a suitcase twice a week to go to and from my grandma's house, I don't have to worry about finishing up a book and not having another one ready to go. I'm paying for these books, and therefore still supporting the author. I don't see the big deal. I understand that people have personal preferences. If you would rather hold a paper book than a piece of plastic, I don't judge. But I'm just having a hard time understanding this author's decision.

What would you like to do?

My second "assignment" is to list some things I would like to do which my "condition" now prevents me from doing. I am supposed to list them under some specific headings.

VACATIONS: I would like to be able to go on a cruise. This makes my head spin, but I think if I could get over that it would be fun.

SOCIAL LIFE: I would like to be able to be more spontaneous for last minute plans. I think I would be able to spend more time with friends if I could do this.

EMPLOYMENT: I want any employment issues to only be issues of my likes and dislikes. I want the agoraphobia stuff to be a non-issue. Meaning I don't want to factor that in to all the other things that you have to decide when you are taking on a new job.

HOBBIES: This isn't a huge deal to me. I like reading and sewing and things like that. So that isn't really affected much.

ENTERTAINMENT: I would like to be able to go to a movie in a theatre without having that panicky feeling once I get in and sit down.

DAY TRIPS: I would like to be able to go with Steven on climbing trips without planning out every possible event.

SHOPPING: This is actually not much of an issue either. I am usually by myself or with Davie or with Steven. They are my "safe" people. But I imagine if I am on a shopping trip with other people I would feel panicky.

VISITING FRIENDS AND FAMILY: I would like to be able to spend time at other people's houses without needing to go lay flat on the tile in their bathroom and do my breathing exercises. I don't have to do this every time, but it'd be nice if it didn't happen at all.

A New Exercise . . . starting . . . NOW!

I had the flu. It wasn't fun. But the worst part was the day or two where I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly. In my mind I had already decided that I would have to quit school, work, everything, and just be panicky. Thankfully, I felt better after awhile, but it led me to research panic attacks and agoraphobia a little bit more. I found a book called "Escape! The Complete Agoraphobia Recovery Course" and decided to work through it. Since it's on my Kindle and there's no good way to document my answers on that device, I also decided I would work through the written exercises on my blog.

The first bit of the book tells the authors story. The first exercise is to describe in as much detail as you can remember the first panic attack you can remember. So here goes.

I believe it was the summer after my freshman year at OBU. A few of us at church were going to Haiti for a couple of weeks for a mission trip. I don't really remember feeling particularly anxious about the trip in general before. We drove to Dallas and were going to stay the night in a hotel and fly out early the next morning. We went to grab some dinner at a nearby Chili's. I ordered some chicken tenders and had eaten one or two. I started to feel - bad. I felt lightheaded and fuzzy. I was getting really REALLY hot from the inside out. I just needed to get somewhere cool and quiet and lay down. I thought maybe I had eaten something bad, and went to the bathroom, but realized nothing productive was going to happen there. I rushed by our table and said I had to get some air. A friend followed me out to the church van and sat with me while I laid over the curb.

The breeze helped but I felt weird all that night. I managed to get through the trip without a nervous breakdown. But I remember avoiding Chili's for quite a while.

The author says that agoraphobia is a learned behavior. We have these experiences, and start to avoid and generalize and avoid and generalize, and it reinforces the panic and the avoidance.

That is all for now. Not very in depth, and this is more for my own documentation than your insight. Of course if you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome those.

Wanted: Potty Training Camp

I wish there was a potty training camp that parents could send their toddlers too. They could come back home when they were successfully potty trained. Wouldn't that be nice?

But I haven't found one yet . . . although I thought my sister Kristen would be nice enough to offer up the farm for this cause. No such luck.

Davie has all of the readiness signs, except for one. It seems like a pretty important one. It seems like she has no sensation of going to the bathroom, until it is done. She hates having wet underwear, but it just seems like there is no recognition of it happening until it's too late.

Anyways, we are just doing away with diapers, except for sleeping. Eventually, I think she will connect the pre-sensation with going to the bathroom. Hopefully. It's going to be a messy week . . . or longer.

too much time or too much genius?

I wrote a pop song . . . it was easy. I just took the basic formula and put in some new words. This song is for a smart person though . . . kind of.

Check it out on youtube.com . . . look up Pop Song for a Smart Girl.

How I Roll

You should know that I title my posts before I write anything, and sometimes before I even know what I'm going to write about. They pop into my head, and I realize this can be misleading . . . but I also realize you probably don't care.

I am proud of myself. I want to tell you why . . . therapeutically.

• I had a great time on Steven's birthday trip. I really enjoyed myself and the people I was with. I did not have any scary panic moments. (Okay, there was a few hours of anxiety on the drive home where I realized I had left my Xanax in Vegas, but I got through it without my Xanax . . . obviously).
• To elaborate on the previous bullet point, I feel like I pushed my comfort zone out, instead of letting it press in on me. I really am so grateful to Steven for encouraging me in that. He is a wise 30 year old soul.
• When faced with the kind of adversity that would usually make me change my plans for the more convenient path, I stepped up and worked harder to give myself the opportunity to be accepted or denied by OU's PA program. You see, I thought I only had one class left of prerequisites . . . and that was a hassle in and of itself because I couldn't find the darn class anywhere! But it turns out I have 4 classes to take this semester. This is when average Kinsey would say "It's not meant to be". But no! I spent hours upon hours hunting down these classes and figuring out my schedule, just for the chance to be in the program.
• I had my PA interview today. It went well. Hopefully it went better than at least 104 other applicant's interviews, but we'll see. There was a few moments of panic, and honestly I borrowed a Xanax from my sister just in case . . . but I didn't need it after all. Once I got into the room, I was my plain ole self, and that was just fine with me. If my lack of completed prerequisites scare them out of a position in the program for me, then I will keep moving in a productive direction, and see that it was an honor to be chosen for an interview.
• Right now in life, I feel happy. I feel fulfilled.

Here is a weird realization I've had recently. I am 99% sure I don't want to have another child. I don't know if this comes out of fear or just being fulfilled, but I'm pretty darn sure I do not want to go through the hormonal shifts of pregnancy. It's like Russian roulette in my mind of whether you'll come out mentally in one piece. I got lucky with Davie. I don't know if I should play again. Besides Steven and I have talked a lot about wanting to be foster parents or adopting. Anyways, that was random. Well, that's just how I roll.

See how I tied that in. Spontaneous genius.