Saturday, July 3, 2010

Oh To Be a Turtle

I thought I changed a lot from high school to college. I changed even more from college until now. Not so much physically. Not so much in any way you could see if you aren't having deep conversations with me.

But I've changed--spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and even socially.

The social changes is what I've been thinking about a lot lately, mainly because these changes require a lot more energy right now.

You see, I have this spectacularly social husband. He has countless friends - not acquaintances, but friends. Steven loves to be busy. He loves to be active. He NEEDS it.

I can hardly stand to be in groups of 6 or more. I can hardly stand to be out of my normal situation or place of comfort. It's not that I'm an introvert. I don't know what it is exactly. It's also not really a preference . . . it's a need. To be quite sensational, I have a panic disorder. It's attached to situations of being socially trapped. In situations where I am responsible for other people or they are dependent on my being there for some reason, I get anxious. But it's not only this unhealthy part, it's also that I just genuinely enjoy being by myself. There's no such thing as boredom. I can write and read, therefore there is no such thing as boredom.

Anyways, I'm realizing it's not so much places that I avoid, as situations. Poor Steven. I can't tell you how many "situations" I have made much more complicated for him.

Yesterday, Davie and I went for a walk to the pond to feed the fish. There are three turtles that live in the pond, that fight the fish for our crackers. I watched those turtles and thought how lovely it would be to have the freedom to go anywhere, yet have the safety of a shell to crawl inside if you need to.

On this wonderfully rainy day, I'm just thinking about this for no particular reason.