Thursday, October 13, 2011

To Worry or Not To Worry

This morning I buckled Davie in to her little bus seat for her first field trip to the zoo. Leading up to this event, I wondered if I should rearrange my schedule and go with her. I like to experience her experiencing things. I told myself I was worried about her getting lost or lonely or something . . . but chances of that happening are very small.

Davie loves a loner. She will hug the shy girl. She will talk to the new kid. But in groups, she IS the loner. I don't think she gets many opportunities at school to be with one other child, to make one friend at a time. I get the feeling that she is very quiet at school. So I think this will be great for her to go in small groups to a place that she loves and chat excitedly.

I think that kid is going to be A-OK. Not just today, but in general. She is self-sufficient, kind, and imaginative. What more could one ask for!

Friday, August 19, 2011

An Interview with Miss Davie Lucille

I'm going to ask you some questions. Okay?

What is your name?

How old are you?
This many. (holds up 5 fingers)
No, you're not.
I'm three. (holds up 3 fingers) What's your name?
My name is Kinsey.
and you're three days old. Can I give you a kiss?
Yes. (kiss)
I'm sorry (strokes my arm)
Why are you sorry?
Cause I'm being really really ugly.
I don't think you were being ugly at all.
I was. And I will. And I'm really really sorry. (another kiss)

Okay. What is your favorite color?
What green things do you like?
Ummmm. I like . . . pink.
Okay. What do you like that's pink?
Ummmmm. Toys.

What is your favorite food?
STRAWBERRIES! (I actually think she thought about this for the pink answer, because strawberries aren't her favorite food.)

Who is your best friend?
Ummmm. Harper and Max! Harper is my favorite friend and Max is my favorite friend too. Harper is my favorite best friend at my school. It will be so nice if I give her a hug.
That's true.
I love you. I love you.
I love you too. You're very sweet.
(as I am trying to ask another question she says...) Look at my eye. Look at my eye.
They are very pretty. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A chicken! (laughter) or a cow! (more laughter)
That's silly.
Mommy, I want to be an animal? or a ghost.

What is your favorite thing to play?
With Scout.

What is your favorite animal?
Um. A little giraffe.
I like giraffes too!
But you like a big giraffe and I like a little giraffe.

What is your favorite word?
Um, I don't know.

What is something that mommy says a lot?
Um, GIRAFFE! (laughter)

What do you dream about at night?
Ladybugs (she has said this every single morning since we started asking her about a year or more ago). They will hurt me.
No they won't. They're friendly.
But they tickle my hand.
Yeah, but that doesn't hurt.
It just tickles.

What does mommy dream about?
Cows. (she has also given this as my answer for the same amount of time)
What does daddy dream about? (I already knew what was coming)
A clock! . . . but he should dream about animals.
What kind of animals?
A giraffe!
We're on a giraffe kick.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Things of June

1. We officially moved out of our house in OKC. We are renting it to some friends for awhile. After all, we have been living here at Mimi's in Norman for months now. But we went from nothing moved out (not even in boxes) to everything moved out in 24 hours . . . or I should say, Steven did. I couldn't break away from Mimi's to help, so he basically did it all by himself!

2. Davie and I both start school next week. I'm starting the nursing program at OCCC. It will be 10 months of intense learning. I'm a little nervous about the schedule since I seem to have lots of responsibilities these days outside of school. I'm excited for Davie to start school because we enrolled her in the sweetest little hippy nursery school I've ever seen. She will get to go with her cousin Harper this summer before Harper starts Kindergarten at public school. Davie is going to love it.

3. Our 6th anniversary is coming up on the 11th. I gave Steven an early present because he was having a terrible week. I'm a sucker that way. I gave him an iPad . . . he thinks they are the coolest things ever. And they are, but I'm among the camp that they are kind of impractical. I mean it's just a giant iPhone. We'll see what he thinks after a few weeks.

4. Father's Day is this month. I got my dad a puppy. I got Steven (well, I can't say yet, because I haven't given it yet).

5. My appointment with the Rheumatologist is this month. Eh. I don't feel anything in particular about this, so we'll just see what happens.

6. I feel like everything is hanging in the air. I'm looking into the future and trying to see when things will settle down, but I think this is just life. Although mine is considerably more complicated than the average Joe America right now. Our living situation is . . . how you say . . . interesting.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Lupus is for Lovers.

About a week ago, a nurse called and told me that my bloodwork came back and my ANA was positive.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I went in to the doctor because I was having frequent joint pain. He ordered some bloodwork but said it was mainly to rule out Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I guess the ANA is one of the first diagnostic tests for Lupus and other autoimmune disorders. I know a handful of people that have Lupus and they say that the symptoms are really, really annoying . . . but not debilitating. So that is good.

Anyways, I meet with a rheumatologist in June for more tests. For now, it's kind of nice to know that it is actually something and not just in my head. On the other hand, it's also not nice. It seems like I've had some amount of joint pain every day since they called. But the good news is it doesn't really get worse with activity or rest, it just stays the same . . . so that is no reason to lay around in bed all day. Although, it is a reason to lay in bed all day if you are really really tired . . . which I am right now. Good night.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Til Death Do Us Part?

I found a bunch of old songs I had written in college and a little after. Wow. I was a mess. It's like reading through my diary. Anyway, I found this specific song that I had written in the first year that Steven and I were married. I remember playing it for Steven in our living room and really thinking this was the beginning of the end for us. We were realizing how different we were from each other, and from what we thought the other one would be. It seemed like we wanted so very different things. I'm not sure specifically what we did to stay together. But we did. And I am glad. So glad. Today there are still echoes of that first year. Steven wants to go go go, I want to stay stay stay. Steven has expectations A, B, and C . . . and I have expectations X, Y, and Z. But ultimately we are at least on one page that is the same . . . we want to be together, and that makes all the difference.

I have some distant friends that have gotten a divorce. It seemed to be a mutual and calm decision. They wanted different things. They didn't want to hold each other back from achieving those things, so they let each other go. On one hand, I understand that feeling. On the other hand, I wonder what they cheated each other out of by separating themselves. Anyways, it reminded me of this song I wrote.

til death do us part
but how long, how far?
guess you don't think about those things
when you are sampling the cake, and ya got a diamond ring
here we are just a few months later
and you feel like we are just falling apart
well you got dreams, and i got things that i could be doing now

young love is so short-lived
if you do not make it grow
we cannot be one if
we can't let each other go

the bitter taste of second and third loves
like day old coffee in a new white mug
the dull ache of being resented
these are the sights and sounds of an everlasting love?
here we are, how did we get here
we followed all the plans and the wisdom of the age
discontent with others dreams
my desires can't be heard and can't be seen

so spread your wings and go where you want to
i'll let you know what i need
we gotta go, we gotta try it
these are hungers we can't refuse to feed
cause i refuse to realize later
when i'm 75 laying in my bed
that i did not do all that i could and all that i wanted
with my life, and i can't blame you

See? A mess. Wow.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I'm going to admit something to you (whoever that is).

I feel like a failure for one main reason - because I am pursuing something other than teaching. It doesn't matter than I am now pursuing another very important career path. I wanted to teach for as long as I can remember, went to 4 years of very expensive school to teach, and then taught for 3.5 years.

But the truth is there were so many really really hard days. Then there were days when I just didn't like it (not because it was hard, just because). Then there were these shining days of glory that made it all worth it. Then there were just happy, normal days. I guess this can be expected from any career.

I try to justify my career move, by saying that taking care of my grandmother has revealed this inner-nurse in me. That is true, but it is also true that I've been looking for an escape from teaching almost as soon as I started teaching. I feel guilty because I was a good teacher. I'm not bragging, I just was. Not every teacher is a good teacher. Not every teacher is a thoughtful teacher. So I feel like I took a thoughtful teacher out of the mix for none other reason than I wanted to find something new.

There are not a lot of careers I can think of that would cause such guilt. Maybe because it is working with children. Maybe because education is important to me. I think it's because, in my mind, I don't think just anyone can replace an individual teacher. It's such a personal job. I don't know.

As I've been pursuing this nursing career, I've yearned for teaching again. That's just me, and may not need to be taken seriously. I want what I don't have. Humans generally do. But anyways, I know that I would really genuinely enjoy nursing. I know that it would be a really great investment in my family's life. But I will always have a passion for teaching children. At the same time, I know if I don't follow this pursuit to finish, I will always wonder "what if". I will continuously be looking for that escape from my first complicated love.

I think in a sense I get this way around April every year (teacher job hunting time). I scan the school websites and imagine myself teaching in the capacity of the job openings.

No matter what, I am endlessly thankful for the time away from the careers that have taken time from my family. I am excited about nursing school. But there will always be a part of me that will feel like a failure as long as I am not teaching in some capacity.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

your momma

*I wrote this song yesterday. It is for all the children with terrible parents or terrible childhood memories. It is for my daddy.


if i was your momma, i'd build you a ladder

it'd reach up to the clouds you watch so hard

if i was your momma, i'd buy you a thousand books

and if i had no money, i'd get you a library card

if i was your momma, you'd know that i love you

not from guessing, but cause i'd tell you so

if i was your momma, you'd know you'd be safe

cause i'd come get you anywhere you go

but i ain't your momma, i'm just some girl who

sees another hurting eye

but if i was your momma, and i saw you hurting

i'd kick the ass of the ones who made you cry

i don't see how a momma could hurt her child so

i don't see how a child like you could be anything but loved

then again this old world is full of surprises

and surprise, here you are doing fine when the push comes to shove

you are more than your momma, you are more than your daddy

you are more than the bad things that happen as a child

you deserve all the goodness, you deserve all the mercy

you deserve all the love from a momma whose love makes her wild

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Rare Well-Placed Anxiety

I rarely get stressed out. At least not in the same way the masses do. I could be juggling fiery swords on ice skates and feel cool as a cucumber. However, put me sitting in the passenger seat of someone else's car, and I'm totally stressed.

Well, today, the stress of things got to me. There is plenty of stuff going on for me to be stressed about, and I won't name them all. But I will say that I've been caring for my ailing grandmother and growing toddler at the same time for an extended period of time, so my mother could have an extended period of rest (poor lady). Yesterday the proverbial doodoo hit the proverbial fan in certain realms of some of my loved ones' lives. I was fairly cool as a cucumber . . . maybe a cucumber left outside for a few hours on an August day. But then I got not a lot of sleep. And then more proverbial doodoo hitting more proverbial fans. And then started what was thought to be the cleanup of said doodoo, which as you can imagine is the worst part of all.

I took a little break to run an errand today while Davie was napping. I needed to run to Lowe's and get some chalkboard paint for one of my projects. In the car I was feeling weepy and a little nauseous. But I held it together. Walking in Lowe's, I must have looked like a crippled old lady. My legs felt like they were going to disintegrate beneath me. I ached so intensely all over my body.

Anyway, snap to the present, my hero husband came to take Davie elsewhere for the night, so I could have some solitude and peace. I thought I wanted to finish one of my projects, but now that I'm sitting . . . I really like sitting.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm not fishing for compliments . . .

So, I've been more or less makeup-less for 2 weeks now. At first, it was not fun. I was insecure. I felt naked. I felt ugly. Now I know my looks have not changed that much in 2 weeks, but when I look in the mirror, I do not see ugly anymore.

One of two things have happened. Either I never was ugly, and only felt that way by comparison of the made up me. Or I was ugly, but forgot how nice I look with makeup on. Either way, it shows how important your own thoughts are. I'm not saying I'll never wear makeup again. But it is nice to not have to put on any kind of mask, and still feel comfortable with myself.

So this isn't really a spiritual revelation, but it does symbolize feeling more comfortable with the real me in the non-physical sense. Who I really am. What I really think. Etc. It's been a great couple of weeks. Not much longer to go.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patty's/Tumorless Tuesday on a Thursday/Happy BADNAP Week

It's Saint Patrick's Day. I don't really know anything about St. Patrick, so I don't care so much about his day. But I'm wearing green anyways.

It is also Tumorless Tuesday (on a Thursday). Two years ago, I was on a field trip with my 4th graders at the Cowboy Museum. While perusing the gift shop, I checked the messages on my phone. My best friend Lisa had called twice. Actually it was her husband Justin calling from her phone. The first message was to let me know they went to the emergency room because Lisa was having some numbness and other weird symptoms, he said the doctor said it was probably just a bad migraine. Phew. The second message was to let me know they had found a shadow that was most likely a tumor in her brain. Commence world falling apart. Luckily a teacher friend nearby hurried me outside dodging students right and left so I could sob in peace. That same teacher friend called my principal to let her know that my husband was coming to pick me up to take me to the hospital. Steven showed up with Davie who was around 8 months old, and we rushed to the hospital. I walked in the room and crawled into the hospital bed by my friend. Neither of us really knew what to say, so we just laid there, holding hands. The next couple of weeks was just waiting in agony and wishing we could do something. Then on March 17th, the day before her and her husband's birthday, they successfully removed the tumor with no ill side effects. She couldn't drive for a long time after because she was on seizure medication, and she had to have checks every few months to make sure the tumor was still gone. But after a year, there was still no sign of it, and the doctor gave her the go ahead to try and have a baby. So around 9 months ago, they gave birth to a teeny tiny beauty named Layla. I would be awfully lonely without Lisa in this world. I am so thankful that she is healthy and has a healthy family. Happy Tumorless Tuesday!

The other news is, I got into the BADNAP program (I honestly don't know what that stands for, but it is the nursing program I applied for). Remember how I was stressed about not getting a notice for the letter. Well it was actually stuck to the inside of the mailbox where you can't see. Haha. Anyways, I am so happy I got in.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Is this a sign?!

Okay, so since August 2009 I have taken a "break" from teaching to help take care of my grandmother. It has been a blessing for me (and I very rarely use that word) to get to spend so much time with Mimi and to be able to have Davie around. During that time, I had started to pursue my Master's degree in School Counseling at UCO. I finished one semester of wonderfully interesting classes, when I started to worry about the future in that career. I had really been enjoying giving my grandmother direct care, and decided I would like to pursue a nursing career.

So in the summer of 2010 I started packing on the science prerequisites. Idle Kinsey is a scary thing. I am utterly utterly useless unless I have deadlines and busyness all around. This past semester I haven't taken any classes. I am just waiting to hear if I was accepted to the program at OCCC that will start in June.

My grandmother seems to be entering the last stages of her long life. Her blood pressure has been EXTREMELY high consistently for weeks now. We are preparing ourselves emotionally for this, and also financially. She has been my "career" for the past year and a half. And now that is coming to an end . . .

Now, I should tell you that I have often found myself talking fondly about my classroom days over the past year and a half. It's not something I want to give up completely, although I was glad for the much-needed break. Yet I was excited about a future nursing career. I know it's something I will be good at and something I will enjoy. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Snap to the present! I've heard that this year OCCC accepted all applicants with a 3.0 and up. I would be in that category. I've also heard that many of these accepted applicants got their certified acceptance letters on Saturday. However, 3 mail days later, no letter in my box. Hmmmm. If I am not accepted, it could only mean that one of my classes did not transfer . . . which is very improbable. If I am not accepted, I think I should take it as a sign that I should stop trying to chase a career outside of teaching. Geez!

Hopefully I will find out tomorrow what the deal is. Then I'll either prepare myself to start the program this summer, or I'll hit the pavement with some resumes heading for the schools!

Friday, March 11, 2011


I haven't prayed in a long long time. I mean like a committed prayer. I've kind of handled my relationship with God - sadly - like I've handled my relationship with my husband lately. I coexist, putting forth not a lot of effort. I believe that we love each other . . . but that is the extent of my thoughts.

Steven and I recently realized the pattern that we had fallen into with each other. Busy separate lives, not really doing much life together. We have sense put more purpose into our thoughts and actions involving each other, and it has been so refreshing to wonder what he is up to, to miss him, to need him.

I have mentioned that I've been feeling more panicky lately. I H-A-T-E IT! It is sooo hard to live like this. I can't express how I hate that feeling, and worrying that I'll get that feeling, instead of just enjoying my activities.

Today I listened to reports on NPR over Japan and the tsunami on the way to Mimi's house. Then after I got there I turned on the news to see Oklahoma up in flames. I started to feel anxious (as any normal person would). I started to actually pray that something amazing would happen, and the fires would be held back from hurting anyone. Honestly, even now, I don't believe in the power of prayer as a decision-changer for God, or that increases His power. I don't know what I believe about it. What I do know is prayer changes the pray-er (eww, that seems like something a Baptist preacher would outline in a Powerpoint). Be it psychological, spiritual, or mystical - when you pray, something changes inside you. For me, it brings a sense of peace. Maybe because when there is a situation where you can do nothing, it makes you feel like you might be doing something.

My middle sister Kacey is an atheist. She is open to talking about it, and I love hearing her thoughts about the matter. She mentioned in a conversation awhile ago, that religion is built by cultures out of a need . . . like a coping mechanism. I don't think I disagree. I do believe in God. I just do. Somehow it's hard for me not to. But there are so many things that Christians seem so sure about, that I'm just not sure about.

I've decided though that God is a pretty good coping mechanism for me. In that way, He is a Savior to me. I think Kacey would ask me questions about the psychology of that. I would say if you suffered from some painful disease, and you took a pill (that could be a cure, or could be a placebo), and you felt amazingly better, wouldn't you just keep right on taking it? I don't know that I'd care why it was working. I would just be thankful for the pain going away.

This is by no means a clear and concise thought process. It's just a spilling out of quasi-revelations.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I have never truly participated in Lent. In college it became a sort of trendy thing to do. So I'd give up ice cream (easy enough for me). Or I'd give up fast food (extremely hard, but benefits my pocket book). But this will be the first year that I'm trying to really experience Lenten season.

On Monday I attended a meeting extended to all OKC artists to experience the season of Lent and respond in their own art form. At first I was only interested in the art part of it, writing a song out of the experience. I've been in a somewhat "questioning" state for some time spiritually. I still am . . . but that doesn't mean I can't have a truly enlightening experience out of this.

I had the stirring thought that this year I needed to give up something that would not be easy and that would not otherwise benefit my life. I didn't want it to just be a little motivation to start living a healthier life, etc. At the meeting I had decided that I would give up make-up for Lent. But then I got home and washed off my war paint. Oy. The squeaky clean face had not seen the public eye since before puberty. That wouldn't do.

But it was the most vulnerable I could be. I am still trying to figure out ways to make this natural look work for me. Sunless tanner on my face. Shiny chapstick. I'm afraid I'm not one of those girls who looks basically the same with or without makeup. My eyes need a little definition for me to not look super sleepy. But this is the path I have chosen.

I may have to take a little break for a wedding . . . out of consideration for the formality of the event.

Friday, March 4, 2011

3 things . . . or more

1. The panic thing is like one step forward, two steps back . . . or two steps forward, one step back. I've been reading this book, and it's good. It's enlightening. It's logical. The negative is I seem to be thinking about the book and therefore my panicky tendencies more often, which lends to near panic attacks more often. The good news is even though I am feeling those beginnings more frequently, I seem to be getting through them more effectively. But man is it unnerving to have those feelings multiple times a day instead of once a month or so.

2. Some days I really miss . . . teaching? Or maybe I just miss talking about teaching, haha. I miss some of my co-workers from Newcastle. I miss working in a school. I might just miss working in general. Anyways, random thought.

3. My husband is a rock star. I am really so lucky to have a husband that people want to create jobs for him so he will work with them. He is SUCH a hard worker, and a good worker. I knew when he came home a few weeks ago and said frustratedly that his position was being switched to contract (not a good thing for us), I just knew I didn't really need to worry about it. And lo and behold, his company is taking care of one of their best employees. I'm glad that his work place appreciates his hard work and commitment, like I do.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

You Can't Tell Me You'd Turn That Down!

Imagine this . . .

You LOVE to read. To get wrapped up in another world, another life. Maybe it's in order to take a break from what is going on in your life . . . or maybe it is in order to help you sort through what is going on in your world. Anyhow, you love to read.

Now imagine this . . .

One day you are visited by a fairy godmother. She says she has been watching over you for some time, and she wants to give you a very personal gift. From behind her back she pulls a magical book. You ask what book it is. She says, "It is any book you like." You open it up and say "Gone With The Wind" . . . and soon the pages are filled with the life of Scarlet O'Hara. You say "The Hunger Games" . . . and soon you are reading about Katniss Everdeen in the arena. You say "Little Women" . . . and soon you are whisked into the budding relationships of four sisters and their Marmee.

Your fairy godmother says, "You may take this wherever you like. Whenever you need to find solace or enlightenment in the words that others have written, open this book."

You ask, "This is too good to be true. Surely there is some sacrifice I must make in order to have this gift."

She waves her wand, and the beautiful book turns into a flat, black panel. "It still works the same way, just without the beauty and sensation of a page. It's the same words, same story. Do you still want this gift?"

........ You can't tell me you'd turn that down!

It's funny to me that people can be so snobby about eReaders. I found out that J.K. Rowling has all but forbidden her books to ever be released on an eReader. Why? They are on audiobook and major motion pictures. An eReader shows the same words, the same story . . . it encourages people to READ. I love reading a paper book as much as the next guy. But I really love being able to toss my light little Kindle in my purse and whip it out in the doctor's office. I like that on roadtrips, Steven and I can have both of our books on one device and pass it back and forth between driving shifts. I like that since I pack a suitcase twice a week to go to and from my grandma's house, I don't have to worry about finishing up a book and not having another one ready to go. I'm paying for these books, and therefore still supporting the author. I don't see the big deal. I understand that people have personal preferences. If you would rather hold a paper book than a piece of plastic, I don't judge. But I'm just having a hard time understanding this author's decision.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

What would you like to do?

My second "assignment" is to list some things I would like to do which my "condition" now prevents me from doing. I am supposed to list them under some specific headings.

VACATIONS: I would like to be able to go on a cruise. This makes my head spin, but I think if I could get over that it would be fun.

SOCIAL LIFE: I would like to be able to be more spontaneous for last minute plans. I think I would be able to spend more time with friends if I could do this.

EMPLOYMENT: I want any employment issues to only be issues of my likes and dislikes. I want the agoraphobia stuff to be a non-issue. Meaning I don't want to factor that in to all the other things that you have to decide when you are taking on a new job.

HOBBIES: This isn't a huge deal to me. I like reading and sewing and things like that. So that isn't really affected much.

ENTERTAINMENT: I would like to be able to go to a movie in a theatre without having that panicky feeling once I get in and sit down.

DAY TRIPS: I would like to be able to go with Steven on climbing trips without planning out every possible event.

SHOPPING: This is actually not much of an issue either. I am usually by myself or with Davie or with Steven. They are my "safe" people. But I imagine if I am on a shopping trip with other people I would feel panicky.

VISITING FRIENDS AND FAMILY: I would like to be able to spend time at other people's houses without needing to go lay flat on the tile in their bathroom and do my breathing exercises. I don't have to do this every time, but it'd be nice if it didn't happen at all.

Friday, January 28, 2011

A New Exercise . . . starting . . . NOW!

I had the flu. It wasn't fun. But the worst part was the day or two where I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly. In my mind I had already decided that I would have to quit school, work, everything, and just be panicky. Thankfully, I felt better after awhile, but it led me to research panic attacks and agoraphobia a little bit more. I found a book called "Escape! The Complete Agoraphobia Recovery Course" and decided to work through it. Since it's on my Kindle and there's no good way to document my answers on that device, I also decided I would work through the written exercises on my blog.

The first bit of the book tells the authors story. The first exercise is to describe in as much detail as you can remember the first panic attack you can remember. So here goes.

I believe it was the summer after my freshman year at OBU. A few of us at church were going to Haiti for a couple of weeks for a mission trip. I don't really remember feeling particularly anxious about the trip in general before. We drove to Dallas and were going to stay the night in a hotel and fly out early the next morning. We went to grab some dinner at a nearby Chili's. I ordered some chicken tenders and had eaten one or two. I started to feel - bad. I felt lightheaded and fuzzy. I was getting really REALLY hot from the inside out. I just needed to get somewhere cool and quiet and lay down. I thought maybe I had eaten something bad, and went to the bathroom, but realized nothing productive was going to happen there. I rushed by our table and said I had to get some air. A friend followed me out to the church van and sat with me while I laid over the curb.

The breeze helped but I felt weird all that night. I managed to get through the trip without a nervous breakdown. But I remember avoiding Chili's for quite a while.

The author says that agoraphobia is a learned behavior. We have these experiences, and start to avoid and generalize and avoid and generalize, and it reinforces the panic and the avoidance.

That is all for now. Not very in depth, and this is more for my own documentation than your insight. Of course if you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome those.

Wanted: Potty Training Camp

I wish there was a potty training camp that parents could send their toddlers too. They could come back home when they were successfully potty trained. Wouldn't that be nice?

But I haven't found one yet . . . although I thought my sister Kristen would be nice enough to offer up the farm for this cause. No such luck.

Davie has all of the readiness signs, except for one. It seems like a pretty important one. It seems like she has no sensation of going to the bathroom, until it is done. She hates having wet underwear, but it just seems like there is no recognition of it happening until it's too late.

Anyways, we are just doing away with diapers, except for sleeping. Eventually, I think she will connect the pre-sensation with going to the bathroom. Hopefully. It's going to be a messy week . . . or longer.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

too much time or too much genius?

I wrote a pop song . . . it was easy. I just took the basic formula and put in some new words. This song is for a smart person though . . . kind of.

Check it out on . . . look up Pop Song for a Smart Girl.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How I Roll

You should know that I title my posts before I write anything, and sometimes before I even know what I'm going to write about. They pop into my head, and I realize this can be misleading . . . but I also realize you probably don't care.

I am proud of myself. I want to tell you why . . . therapeutically.

  • I had a great time on Steven's birthday trip. I really enjoyed myself and the people I was with. I did not have any scary panic moments. (Okay, there was a few hours of anxiety on the drive home where I realized I had left my Xanax in Vegas, but I got through it without my Xanax . . . obviously).
  • To elaborate on the previous bullet point, I feel like I pushed my comfort zone out, instead of letting it press in on me. I really am so grateful to Steven for encouraging me in that. He is a wise 30 year old soul.
  • When faced with the kind of adversity that would usually make me change my plans for the more convenient path, I stepped up and worked harder to give myself the opportunity to be accepted or denied by OU's PA program. You see, I thought I only had one class left of prerequisites . . . and that was a hassle in and of itself because I couldn't find the darn class anywhere! But it turns out I have 4 classes to take this semester. This is when average Kinsey would say "It's not meant to be". But no! I spent hours upon hours hunting down these classes and figuring out my schedule, just for the chance to be in the program.
  • I had my PA interview today. It went well. Hopefully it went better than at least 104 other applicant's interviews, but we'll see. There was a few moments of panic, and honestly I borrowed a Xanax from my sister just in case . . . but I didn't need it after all. Once I got into the room, I was my plain ole self, and that was just fine with me. If my lack of completed prerequisites scare them out of a position in the program for me, then I will keep moving in a productive direction, and see that it was an honor to be chosen for an interview.
  • Right now in life, I feel happy. I feel fulfilled.
Here is a weird realization I've had recently. I am 99% sure I don't want to have another child. I don't know if this comes out of fear or just being fulfilled, but I'm pretty darn sure I do not want to go through the hormonal shifts of pregnancy. It's like Russian roulette in my mind of whether you'll come out mentally in one piece. I got lucky with Davie. I don't know if I should play again. Besides Steven and I have talked a lot about wanting to be foster parents or adopting. Anyways, that was random. Well, that's just how I roll.

See how I tied that in. Spontaneous genius.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Did I say if all else fails?

We made it. We made it physically and mentally in one piece. And to think I almost decided to admit myself to the psych ward over this trip the morning of!

The story goes like this...

Thursday night I slept none to well. But I woke up Friday morning on time, packed, and ready to go. As we neared the highway, I started to feel uneasy. I started my breathing pattern that helps me calm down. It wasn't working the way it usually does. Steven saw my discomfort and asked if I was alright. I told him I was panicky. He asked if he could do anything and I said no. We were going to meet up with some friends along the highway to caravan and they were running a little late. We pulled into Sonic to kill some time. I told Steven to find a bathroom quick cause my stomach was upset. McDonald's was our stop this time. After that detour, just as we were getting on the highway, Davie starts to cry. Then she starts puking . . . a LOT. She won't stop!

This sealed the deal in my mind. Davie and I would just stay home, and wish Steven the best on his trip. We decided to stop at Steven's parents house in Mustang to wash up and make sure Davie was done with her vomiting. We gave her a bath, did laundry, washed the car seat. I laid down on one of the beds and told Steven through teary eyes that Davie and I were going to stay. He should go ahead and meet up with his friends. He plainly said "No way. If you aren't going, I'm not going." This wasn't an option for me. I would not ruin Steven's birthday trip. He walked me through all the ways he would make sure I was comfortable. Then he tucked me in and let me take a nice little nap while our things dried.

I woke up feeling a little better. Steven's mom made me some hot Jasmine tea, and we started off again . . . 4 hours from when we left our house. Davie fell right to sleep once we got in the car. I read aloud to Steven from my budding, if not stunted, novel. Before I knew it we were in Amarillo meeting up with our friends from Cali - Brooke and Jarod.

Once we got back in the car, Davie spent most of her time watching Dora the Explorer on the DVD player. I drove, and Steven read. Albuquerque brought another switch of drivers and Davie's sleep until Gallup, NM. There was a bit of rough roads coming into Gallup, but we made it safely to the hotel. I have never experienced real live negative temperatures. It was -8 the next morning! We stayed up til midnight for New Year's Eve, kissed our families, and promptly fell asleep.

Davie woke up the next morning feeling very talkative and singing "Davie HAPPY!!!" over and over again. Steven sacrificed sleeping in for the rest of us, and took her down to breakfast for an hour or so.

The next day was fairly uneventful. We were afraid Brooke and Jarod's car was overheating within the first 15 minutes of leaving the hotel, but after a little rest and refill of coolant, it was fine. More Dora. Lunch in Flagstaff and a little walk around the mall. We forego-ed a detour to the Grand Canyon, and Davie slept most of the way to Vegas.

We are staying with a mutual climbing friend. He has a nice big house and Davie and I decided to stay in this morning to grow accustomed to our new home for the next 7 or so days. Steven will be back in time for us to figure out dinner.

It's going to be a good week. I haven't really felt anxious since we left. I think this is mostly thanks to Steven Glen Charles and knowing that we have options, and there is no big agenda here. Just relax, climb, have fun, enjoy each other. I am excited that we are all together for such a long time! I can't believe I almost demanded to stay home. What a crazy!