Saturday night I went to a high school friend's wedding. I love going to wedding's now and reminiscing my own. I listened to them take their vows and remember the thought that went into writing ours. We didn't want it to be the standard vows - not because they don't mean anything - but because we wanted to really be heard by each other. The vows I took were these . . .
"I, Kinsey, take you, Steven, to be my wedded husband. I will embrace you when you are loveable just as much as when you are difficult. I will love you when we are wealthy just as much as when we have nothing but each other. I will take care of you when you are healthy and strong, just as much as when you are weak and ill. You will be my closest and most trusted friend until the day we die and I will thank the Lord everyday for such a personal and precious gift. This is my vow to you."
It helped me to really know what I was getting myself into when we wrote them. Stuff happens. Big, hairy, complicated, tragic stuff happens. I was accepting the grab bag of possibilities - positive and negative. Luckily, so far with Steven, it has been almost completely positive. No big horrible events. But life is complicated. Somehow, the person that I wanted to spend time with more than anyone in the world, is the person I have allowed myself to see the least. Our work schedules are near opposites. Our hobbies don't so much complement each others hobbies. So instead of compromising, we have just allowed ourselves to do the things we need or want to do . . . without each other.
Steven went to Horseshoe Canyon Ranch in Arkansas this weekend to train for a competition. He really wanted me to go so badly. I said no. I just started work and I wanted to relax this long weekend at home - plus I didn't want to worry about having Davie out there. I regret my decision now. I miss him, and not just because he's gone this weekend.
Sometimes I wish we could pack up and move somewhere that neither of us know anyone else. All we would have is each other. Everything we would do would be together. The friends we would make would be OUR friends.
We have been so grateful that Steven could stay home with Davie, while I teach during the day, and then he can teach at night or on the weekends - but really I would rather have Davie in daycare than never see, or really enjoy, my husband. We have date night on Fridays, but it's not enough. So for now, I don't really have a solution - except to muster up the energy to do things he wants to do in the evenings. But it feels good to want to muster up the energy for him - to not be apathetic about our relationship. He is too good to not be with as much as possible.