Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Let's talk about my borderline agoraphobia . . .

Have I mentioned that I will probably be a crazy old lady that never leaves her house . . . in a few years?

It's a possibility, but it is one that I have not given myself over to completely. Because I think Steven would be kind of disappointed if I was a shut-in.

I get anxious about traveling. I get anxious about a few things, but they usually don't affect me much because I am safe in Oklahoma City, my comfort zone. I have become increasingly more against traveling long distances. For our 5 year anniversary, Steven and I went to Colorado with Davie. We had fun. We enjoyed each other. We enjoyed our surroundings. But I was on edge most of the time. I got especially tense when we would go out with other people. Even if these people were extremely good friends. It was just the thought that I was in a way, in their control, because we were a group. If I got sick and needed to go home, I would ruin everybody's time. I know, it seems crazy. It is. It's my thing.

After I came back from that trip, I saw my doctor and got on a low dose of an anti-anxiety medicine. It has helped a lot. I also have taught myself a breathing exercise that helps in those moments where I am on the verge of a panic attack. My doctor also gave me a prescription of a Xanax type pill, but I rarely use it unless I foresee some real anxiety coming at me. Isn't it weird that I see vacation as possibly anxiety-ridden?

Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband. He is so fun-loving and fancy-free (I'm not even quite sure what that means). He works hard, but he especially loves to play hard. He wants to be out, experiencing nature and the world outside of our little city. He is so social. He would love to be with a big group of people nearly all the time. I don't know anyone who doesn't love Steven. Sometimes I feel like his ole ball and chain. Like I want to keep him all to myself, shut up at home, with our cats.

After 5 years of marriage, I'm still not sure how to reconcile these differences. The best answer I have is compromise and medicate. He compromises, I medicate.

I can't imagine being in this type of relationship with anyone but Steven. He is so many things to me. But sometimes the most important thing he is to me, is my comforter. Just his presence makes me feel at ease in any situation. I know he will make things better, and not worse. I know he will protect me. I know he will do whatever I need.

So in celebration of my husband's 30 years of life, we will pack up our little family and drive to Las Vegas. If ALL ELSE FAILS, I will be where he is each evening, and we will enjoy being together. But hopefully I will be out enjoying the same things he is enjoying each day.

1 comment:

Paige said...

I understand how you feel. It seems to get worse with age too. We went to Tulsa for the weekend back in May. We were in the car and suddenly I was overcome with this panicky feeling like I was a million miles away from home. Kind of stupid because we were only two hours away from home! I would never leave the house if I didn't have to either :)