Thursday, September 18, 2008

Panic Attack Avoided

Today we took a family trip to Wal-mart.  As I rode in the passenger seat, I allowed my mind to wander.  I started thinking about the implications of having a dependent.  They are "dependent" on you . . . completely.  I started thinking about my past life of carefree frivolity . . . and then I thought about how many minutes it took to pack up Davie and all of her belongings and the thought process it took to make sure we aren't going to be out when she needs to eat, etc.  THEN I thought about how everyday for the next I don't know how long, this is how it will be.  

I started to feel faint, literally.  My heart beat fast, my face got warm, and I started to feel pretty ill.  Then I turned around and looked at my baby sleeping in the back seat.  Panic attack avoided.  I love her so much.  

What's strange is she doesn't DO anything for me.  She (most likely) doesn't have the capacity to "love" me back.  But I love her.  It is the most selfless love I have for her . . . and this may be my only chance to experience that from this point of view (as love-er, instead of love-ee).  One day, hopefully, she will love me as her mother.  But for now, it's my honor to love her and take care of her.

5 comments:

William and Megan said...

isn't it crazy how things change SO much all of the sudden!? i'm excited. i think it's a much-needed (and wanted) change around the higgins house :)

by the way, i got babywise the other day.. read it all in one evening, and i think it's fantastic! thanks for the recommendation!

Anonymous said...

I keep having these overwhelming feelings too- and she isn't even here yet! I hear they're natural in pregnancy, but my over-analyzing nature is going wild. I keep thinking about her calling me at age 30-something still asking for advice. I just having to keep think she won't get there overnight. She'll keep getting a day older and I'll be a mommy one day longer. :)
Amanda

Allison said...

Wow.

Well I'm not expecting a child, but Michael and I have started talking about having on in the next two years (I have been doing research like crazy, two years doesn't seem like enough time to read everything :)).

So they thing is, even just thinking about having a baby I have been getting freaked out. It's like everything that I do or interact with I think of a way you could accidentally kill your baby, or lose it, or emotionally scar it for life... it's overwhelming.

But apparently people do it successfully all the time, so it must be possible...

You're doing great Kinsey!

Angela said...

Hey, Kinsey,
I graduated from OBU in 2006 and have been subscribed to your xanga for awhile (I find it entertaining) and really enjoyed reading about your pregnancy because I happened to be only a week behind you. My baby girl was born right on time: September 10. Thus, I followed you over to this blog to keep reading your mommy thoughts, because it's nice to feel there are others going through the same things. I have to say, I completely agree with this post! This past weekend, as I was on the verge of tears trying to make her eat a full meal (she sometimes wants to quit after two minutes and it feels there's nothing I can do to get her interested again, or even keep her awake), and it occurred to me that this isn't stopping anytime soon. I will be feeding her like this multiple times a day, every day, for most likely a year and she's not necessarily going to make it easy on me every time. And I started to feel a little overwhelmed. But you're right, I love her so much and I wouldn't trade all of these feeding times and cuddling times and changing times for anything. She is the love of my life (after my husband, of course). It's amazing how quickly it happens. I can't imagine life without her and I don't want to.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts; I hope you don't mind my semi-voyeurism.
Angela Rowland

Kinsey said...

Angela,

So, you have a two-week old? My encouragement to you is that was right around the time that my baby stopped needing me to keep her awake during feedings. I mean, every once in awhile she gets really sleepy . . . but nothing like those first two weeks. So - I hope it's the same for you!

Kinsey