I don't feel my best. I'm happy, but I can't get out of my head lately. I feel stuck, in limbo. It's like I can see all these things that could happen to make my life better, but I'm not really in charge of any of those things.
I used to dive into changes like my hair was on fire, driven by excitement and the desire to be better. I also happened to not see through very many of those changes, but at least I tried. Now I feel afraid, not of the changes, but of other people's views of me. What if I don't follow through? Will people think I'm a flake? Or will they see it as endearing? Why do I seem to like myself more than other people like me? Why do I have more grace with myself than other people do with me?
I really want to try things - for fun, not with this pressure of everyone watching and waiting to see what happens. I want to take a tap class (even if I quit after a couple of classes). I want to read How-To books (even if I don't do the things they teach me). There are things that is important to see through to the end: school, marriage, parenting, SOME job commitments, etc. But I feel like the fun of life is being sucked out of me. This is especially shattering because that used to be what I was known for - having fun.
I'm hoping that I am feeling this way because I haven't had my hair done in awhile. I've got a super-drastic, super-fun hairdo saved up for next time. As soon as I have time and money, it's happening. And hopefully that will change my outlook on everything!