My biz-nass.

My mom's brother died when I was in 8th grade of a drug overdose. Honestly, I don't remember many details about him. Of course I remember HIM, I just didn't know him that well. Still it was a shock. He had lived most of his life doing drugs, blowing money, and such things. Interesting because he led a fairly normal life from the outside. He had a lovely wife, and two better kids you couldn't ask for. He had a close extended family, even working for his own father most of his life. Since he died without me knowing him very personally, I kind of wrote him off as one of those no-good druggies.

Just the other day my mom mentioned how he used to send her flowers on all kinds of holidays. He'd always send her something for Mother's Day . . . because after all, she was a mother, just not his. She said he was very sweet and thoughtful. I'd never thought of him that way. I just shaped him in my head as a rascal . . . which he was in part I'm sure.

Growing up is weird. It really is like the more I learn the less I know. I'm less sure about anything, except that before I just had my head in the clouds, or in the sand, or up another dark place we won't call by name.

There are people so close to me that I remember a certain way, only to find out they struggle with something I would have never pinned on them in a million years. I am learning so much in my developmental psychology class. I really feel after every chapter like my head will explode with knowledge that I just can't make true sense of. There is so many contradicting ideas that I believe. Anyways, I guess my life right now and what I am reading are crashing together and I'm trying to connect it all.

What makes a person? Are they summed up by their thoughts and intentions . . . or their words . . . or their actions and behaviors? I know that it is a mixture - all and none of it. You can describe someone's character without mentioning all of their sins. I think before I was able to not think about it because what difference does it make. Now I am trying to decide how I am going to help people, and it makes a HUGE difference.

My professor says it's a good sign to be in this state of disequilibrium . . . but I'm ready to be undisequilibriumized.

Tradition.

Having a child makes you long for traditions with them, something special, something that she will look forward to every year. This Valentine's Day is Davie's first one as a little girl, not a teeny tiny infant. I know she will not remember this specific day, but we will. I've been thinking about it and I decided as Davie's mom, I wanted to get her a thoughtful gift to let her know how special she is (and to teach her how to receive gifts gracefully). Also as her mom, I wanted Davie to have a special date with her dad for Valentine's Day. He will teach her what to expect from any fellow who wishes to take her on an outing. If I know Steven there will be many non-Valentine's dates like this, but this will be something very specific for her to look forward to each year. An added bonus (and one I definitely calculated into the mix) is while they are out on the town I will be enjoying some much needed ME time.

I'm not a fan of "exlusivisity" among mothers, but I will say this - I just don't think you can really appreciate personal time until you have a dependent.

Steven has been working so extremely hard and so extremely much lately. I am so proud of him for making the most of this opportunity, but we sure miss him being around. Davie has become a bit of a momma's girl from the amount of time we spend together. But tonight, Steven came and got Davie from my grandma's house and he took her home with him. He just called me and said he had the sweetest time as a father that he thinks he's had so far. Something as simple as Davie just sitting with him in the big chair for 30 minutes, hugging and cuddling on him until she finally fell asleep in his arms . . . I thought she was incapable of falling asleep with another human being in the room. It proves the comfort she feels when she's with her daddy.

I love being a part of Steven's team. That's what it's all about after all.

Dissing your disease.

Strep, my old colleague! How like you to drop in when I have business to attend to.

Remember 5 years ago when I was fresh out of college, a naive little immune system plummeting into a cess pool of snot and cooties, a cess pool called third grade. You joined me on a regular basis, nearly every month, requiring every single one of my allotted sick AND personal days. Remember that? That was fun.

I guess it was high time you come back for a visit. After 5 years of building a fortress of an immune system in the trenches of public school, I have taken a break. The defenses have gotten lazy. I especially respect your irreverent timing. I mean, having me vomit all night while I am responsible for an elderly lady and a toddler - classy, Strep, really classy.

You couldn't have let me get more than two hours of sleep that night, could you? Too merciful? Right. The bouts of chills and fevers were a nice touch too. Oh and who could forget the way my tonsils crash together when I sneeze! It's also really fun how it sounds like I'm very quiet and far away . . . because the boils on my tonsils are so thick, my voice has to find it's way to squeeze around my uvula.

Anyways, I just wanted to give you a quick "shout out" and say THANKS A MILLION for coming the week of my first grad school test and also the week before a singing gig. Again - your timing is impeccable.

Keep it real, Strep.

Our day thus far . . .

Woke up around 8am. Steven left for work. Around 10 I was nodding off in the chair (should have been studying) while Davie played in the floor. I snuck off to my bed around 11 just to "rest my eyes" for a minute. She found me. I knew she would. Every once in awhile I would put some blocks together, or push a button, or whatever she brought me, and then "rest my eyes" for a little more. Finally at 11:30 I put Davie down for a nap. Then I put myself down for a nap. We woke up at 1:30 and I felt worse than ever. My throat was so swollen shut that I was setting off my own gag reflux.

I sent Steven a text message begging for him to get off work early.

Davie was unsatisfiable for a little while. I didn't know what she wanted. I don't think she knew either. To make matters worse, our XBOX is broken and so I can't even play her favorite DVD for 30 minutes to lift her spirits. Luckily while I was scrolling through my TV Guide app, and saw Thomas the Train comes on OETA. Davie is satisfied sitting beside me watching Thomas and Curious George, and I am fine with that for now. Maybe I'll try that studying thing again.

Pause button?!

I'm sick. I need a pause button for each individual project that I have undertaken . . . some are easier than others. Like it is TOTALLY easy to pause the new workout routine I started a couple of weeks ago. No problem. Un-pausing may be a little more difficult. However, it's not so easy to pause grad school. I have my first grad school test coming up on Thursday. Have I studied? No. I would also like a pause button on motherhood. Right now I don't exactly have childcare lined out for a sudden day off.

My throat has hurt for a few days now, but the night before last when I was staying with my grandma I was up all night vomiting, going back and forth between chills and fever, and only sleeping in 15 minute increments. Misery. Last night though I slept GREAT! Steven came in around midnight and woke me up saying I was soaking wet and hot. I guess my fever was breaking. This morning my throat feels like it has a 1 mm opening, but hopefully the fever and stomach stuff is behind me. I got stuff to do!

DAVIE UPDATE: She is dainty and soft all the time . . . except when she really laughs. Then it's like a teeny tiny Julia Roberts hee-hawing all over the place. She does this new thing that my sister affectionately calls her "troll teeth". While she is laughing, she keeps her mouth open, scrunches her nose, and gnashes her teeth together. Hard to explain, but I'll try to catch it on video sometime soon if I ever clear out my camera again.